Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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