If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
