I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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