I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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