life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This is the prime rib incident all over again
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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