I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
sex in a hospital.. check
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
