By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
