I wish life had little blips of pornography
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
