Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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