I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
