Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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