I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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