what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
