My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
