what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
