4 words: hood of his car
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
