Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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