he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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