found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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