So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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