Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
