Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Are my feet made of real feet?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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