i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
