Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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