When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
