Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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