He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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