Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
