Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
