I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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