I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
