Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
