Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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