i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
