I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
