Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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