what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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