She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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