i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
