I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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