Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
