I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
