She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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