I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
