Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
