I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
