giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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