I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I could make wine with my vomit
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
