I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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