Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We have so much sex to catch up on
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
