Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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