just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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